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Topic starter
10/27/2008 6:06 am
New topic for here. feel free to contribute. But, try and keep them PG-13 or less and somewhat respectful.
With good timing, here is the first:
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN
BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!.......and so timely!....as well as so true in most cases!!!!!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it
Seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
Course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
Expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
Realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
Before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I
Mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
10/27/2008 9:43 am
HA HA HA HA <cough cough> HA HA HA
Nows thats funny!!!!
10/28/2008 5:53 am
A presidential candidate was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the candidate, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the candidate. 'How about What Changes I Should Make To America ?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
the candidate, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit? '
edited to be non partisan.....
10/28/2008 6:13 am
thanks for the edit, i like this version much better!!
10/28/2008 6:54 am
Well I missed the Edwards race cuz I had a little surgery on a sensitive part....so this joke made me roflmao
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young blonde student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young blonde nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at the blonde student nurse and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
amsoil-no more kids Mark
10/28/2008 6:57 am
Well I missed the Edwards race cuz I had a little surgery on a sensitive part....so this joke made me roflmao
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young blonde student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'Embarrassed, the young blonde nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at the blonde student nurse and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
amsoil-no more kids Mark
How did your penile enlargement go - old buddy? Was it painful? Let me know. I hope all is well.
10/28/2008 7:29 am
no Marc it was a reduction ...LOL... tell ya what.... hurts almost as much as my torn ACL...
10/28/2008 7:45 am
no Marc it was a reduction ...LOL... tell ya what.... hurts almost as much as my torn ACL...
I had the reduction and a vasectomy. I feel your pain my friend.
10/30/2008 11:49 am
In honor of Halloween:
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think Iam going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds like she was sweeping around??
Topic starter
10/30/2008 12:06 pm
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
10/30/2008 1:16 pm
Three Pastors meet every month for lunch
One Pastor says, " man i have got a squirrel problem"
The other two pastors say they have the very same problem.
They decide to try ways to get rid of them and on their next lunch meeting tell what they did.
Next month they meet for lunch
The first pastor said I got a cat cage and put some food in it and Wham I caught it. Took it 1 mile from Church and let it go.
Next day its back.
Second pastor says the same only he took it 3 miles away and 2 day later it was back.
Third Pastor says the same only he baptises them and makes them members of the church
and hasn't seen them since. 😮
[move]GOD BLESS AMERICA[/move]
10/30/2008 10:04 pm
Two antennas met on a roof top. After a brief courtship they were married. The wedding was a dud but the Reception was great.
10/31/2008 2:15 am
A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, just use the ATM, he said.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
